This is the Way I Live (on IJ)

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." - Dave Barry

August 3rd, 2011

I'm pedaling as fast as I can! @ 07:41 am

Current Mood: stressed

Dear Universe:
Please slow down.
Signed: Desperate

The work for the Reno Worldcon is like a hydra. I cut off one head and two grow back. Only ten days until we leave!

Facebook won't post my status this morning. Probably the least of my problems.

July 31st, 2011

Where I've been hanging out the past few days. @ 11:49 am

Current Mood: relaxed

People on LJ and IJ keep suggesting I get on DW (which will always mean Discworld to me, and not Doctor Who). People on Facebook are inviting me onto Google+ . I already miss loads and loads of stuff because I don't have time to read everything I have now. In the mornings I usually scan Facebook, looking for remarks from family and personal friends and ignoring most of the political opinions, which were the original reason I joined. I also skim Facebook, and Twitter as well, for breaking news. That's really the only input I have for what is happening in the world, at least for now.

After my mid-morning nap (yes, I'm still sleeping too much) I allow myself some time on LiveJournal and InsaneJournal. Actually, since I keep hearing about some serious problems on LJ, I've been primarily reading IJ. A lot of my friends cross post to both.

For years I've had Semagic working so that it will post simultaneously on LiveJournal and InsaneJournal, which I dearly love. Unfortunately, I cannot get this to work on my new netbook, no matter how carefully I try to follow how many sets of directions. That is a real bummer when I'm traveling; generally my posts only appear on LiveJournal when I'm on my netbook.

It's 12 days until we leave for the Reno Worldcon, and I'm filled with stress trying to get everything done. Yesterday was an especially busy day, with a 90 minute online meeting plus three phone calls. In the midst of this I am still trying to deal with the details that followed my mother's death. The big one right now is that the movers who are bringing the few pieces of furniture I decided to keep did their pick-up in Illinois on the 22nd but still haven't given us an estimated delivery date.

But I've decided that, in spite of everything, I'm going to take things real easy today. I'm going to straighten the house and make a very detailed list of things that need to be done, but the only one I'm going to do is vote for the Hugo Awards. I can't put that one off because midnight tonight is the deadline.

July 23rd, 2011

It will get better. Won't it? @ 07:22 am

Current Mood: crappy

I want so much to be productive, but I can't seem to recover from my mother's death or emptying my childhood home. I make myself To-Do Lists, but items get added faster than I can get them done. I spend hours watching re-runs on the Disney Channel in order to turn off my mind. I'm so stressed out and depressed, and I hate myself for not being the person I want to be.

Life will get better. I will get better. Someday mom's house will be sold. Some day, whether I do everything I've promised or not, the Reno Worldcon will be over.

My therapist says that I have to give myself time to grieve and to recover. She also says I have to ask for help from anyone who can provide it. I'm trying, but it just doesn't seem to be enough.

I want to be squeeing with my friends over the Harry Potter movie. I want to be reading Snupin and Snarry. I need my life back.

July 22nd, 2011

I think I've reached my breaking point. @ 06:51 pm

Current Mood: indescribable

When I left Illinois, there was a player piano to go to Elizabeth's house, a huge, messy pile of stuff to be packed and to come to my house, and a ceder chess filled with fragile china to go to Elizabeth niece, JoLee.

The movers showed up in Illinois today. My niece Melissa was there to meet them. Somehow the deadbolt had been locked, so Melissa had to get a locksmith out to make a key for it. The movers had the order for JoLee correct. But they had just the furniture (dining room table with chairs, chaste lounge, and hutch) coming to my house. According to their paperwork, everything else was to be already packed and going with the piano to Elizabeth's house.

So Mellisa went out and bought boxes from U-Haul and they packed all the loose stuff - an there was a lot of it - which was supposed to come to my house. They took the furniture that comes to me and the piano that goes to Elizabeth as well. AND they took the ceder chest, with all the fragiles packed.

I don't know what would have happened if my niece Melissa hadn't been there. I really don't. It would have been a disaster.

But now my mother's house in Illinois is totally empty. Which is wonderful. I just don't know when the stuff is going to arrive. Faeon isn't planning on moving the old furniture out of my house until Tuesday, so if it comes before then we will have a real problem.

I have two paintings I shipped to my cousin in Minnesota, but they were returned to me. I got a voice mail from her daughter that they just happened to arrive when Phyllis was out of town. So now I am trying to call the daughter, Juliette, to make sure Phyllis is home before I pay another $75 for shipping. But I just keep getting a recording that she is not available. I miss my mother. Somewhere she would have Juliette's home phone rather than her cell phone. But I can't find it. There are so many addresses and phone numbers I can't find, and I think it is because they are in the pile that is being shipped here by the movers.

I get to take Alex and Justice to see HP&DH2 on Tuesday. Except that I forgot that is the day that Faeon is planning to do most of the moving out. So now there is really nothing I can do until I get an approximate delivery date from the mover. But my contact only works Monday through Friday.

In the mean time I keep falling further and further behind on the work I'm supposed to do for the Worldcon in Reno in a month.

I started drinking about six hours ago and haven't stopped. I've never been so drunk when I was alone.

I think I've just about hit rock bottom.

June 5th, 2011

Further on the topic of abandonment @ 10:25 am

Current Mood: abaondoned

Did you ever notice how often "I'll call you" means "I really don't care if I ever talk to you again."

June 4th, 2011

If it's really not possible, you shouldn't have promised in the first place. @ 04:56 pm

Current Mood: abandoned

People shouldn't promise to visit or help with something and then make last minute excuses. That's not okay. It's hurtful

When I'm alone I cry and say I hate them, but really I'm just disappointed and hurt.

April 21st, 2011

Can I stop now? @ 10:47 am

Current Mood: busy

Whew! Productive couple of days. Closed two of mom's bank accounts, reserved rental car for June, had long talks with Kathy and with United Airlines (also for June trip), got my nails done. Med refills ordered, recyclables and trash at the curb, cat box cleaned, bird fed, plants watered, dishwasher loaded, Nutrisystem food put away, and I got my hair and nails done. Today I have to visit two different banks and pick up the prescriptions, and tomorrow and Saturday I'll be at Norwescon. Think I'll try to schedule a massage for Sunday - I deserve and need it.

I still have to write Thank You notes for the people who made donations in mom's memory and update my appointment calendar (which hasn't been done for months). Then I'll have time to do some overdue work for the Reno Worldcon.

Of course, I still have about 50 items left on my To Do List. Argh!

April 17th, 2011

More trouble than it's worth? @ 11:21 am

Current Mood: grumpy

I knew Kathy was going to help clean out mom's house. I was moved when Elizabeth said she would keep her promise to help me like I helped her when her mother died, and overjoyed when she said the girls could come. Not real surprised that Memphis has to come. Was not expecting Mandalynn. Sean wants to see the house one last time, and he and Lee will be there to do heavy lifting (How much of that will there be to be done the first two days? That's as long as Sean can stay.) Now Elizabeth's niece and her two grown daughters are going to join us, driving in from Michigan, and also a dear friend of Kathy's just to babysit. Everyone thinks it's going to be a great party. We have nine days to get that house totally empty - totally - and cleaned. Almost 2,000 square feet plus a three car garage with workshop. This is no party, folks.

Cut for those who don't want to know the details. )

Good gods, why didn't I just rely on my own nieces and a good cleaning service? I mean, like I don't have enough on my mind without playing travel agent and hostess?!

April 6th, 2011

Chores, Chores, Chores @ 08:36 am

Current Mood: exhausted

Cat box cleaned, bird fed, plants watered, garbage and recyclables at curb, laundry finished, breakfast eaten, teeth waterpicked and brushed, all new email handled, and it's only 8:30. I think I need a nap, although unfortunately I have to start getting ready for an appointment with my therapist in an hour.

April 4th, 2011

Today @ 06:26 am

Current Mood: sleepy
Tags: ,

I get to take the girls out tonight. Either they are getting pedicures or we are seeing a movie. Has anyone seen "Hop" or "Diary of a Wimpy Kid"?

Biggest plan for today is to get the suitcases unpacked. I need to get laundry done, and also go through the papers I brought home from Illinois.

Can't seem to get back on schedule. Pets got me up at 5:00 A.M., which is normal for me, but now, at 6:30, I'm not sure i can stay awake long enough to eat breakfast.

April 3rd, 2011

Home @ 08:05 am

Current Mood: drained

I'm back home in Seattle after 9 days in Galesburg, Illinois. I made the arrangements for my mother's funeral, which went very well. I emptied and closed a useless safe deposit box, notified the bank there of my mother's death, and talked briefly to my lawyer (who said the estate doesn't have to go into probate and the only tricky thing will be getting my name on the house title).I got extra keys made for the back door (the front door needs to be re-keyed because no one can find a key to it) and got a locked briefcase open (which didn't have anything but outdated papers in it.) I donated the clothes mom had at the nursing home and signed all those papers. Based on a high recommendation from someone who should know, I now have a realator who has at least looked over the house and measured it.

But there's so much more to do. It's overwhelming even if I don't think about trying to empty the house where my mother, a woman who hated to throw away anything, lived for 60 years. And perhaps even more pressing is all the work that needs to be done because I suddenly left my home for 1½ weeks.

The nursing home has adopted mom's little Pomeranian Tiffy. That is a fabulous thing, but I cried so hard when I had to say goodbye to her the last time. Of course I cried at the funeral - I think that was required etiquette. But the only time I have actually broken down and let myself feel the pain was sitting alone in mom's house. My house now. I will never get used to that. I thought I was all prepared for mom's death, but I was wrong. Not sure you can really be prepared for a loss like that.

My weight is up almost 30 pounds from what it was while I was on Nutrisystem. I know that should be the least of my worries, but it bothers me tremendously. I feel like a blimp. I'm afraid someone will ask when the baby is due.

Okay, that is enough with the whining. Everybody has rough patches in their lives. I have to concentrate hard on putting one foot ahead of the other. One step at a time.

Thank you to all of you who have expressed sympathy. Please know that, even though I can't reply to each of you personally, your thoughts are deeply appreciated. You keep me from being alone.

March 6th, 2011

I really need a nap. @ 08:42 am

Current Mood: sleepy

After I get the laundry in and the dishwasher loaded I have to start sorting mail and paying bills for both myself and my mother. At noon Justice needs a ride to Jessica's - that's always stressful, because I'm not supposed to have her in my car except during scheduled dates. And tonight she will probably need a ride home. I have to get my suitcases unpacked. Supposedly they have a lifetime warrentee and they are both really trashed. Also have to buy a new suitcase, because the others won't be replaced in time for the Reno Worldcon meeting this weekend. And need to prepare a list of questions for the Reno Division Head meeting to thrash out.

Two cups of coffee, two cigarettes, and a good breakfast, and I'm still nearly falling off my chair. I'm afraid I'm boing to have to start this busy day with a nap.

January 7th, 2011

Really nothing to report. @ 08:31 am

Current Mood: nervous

I slept very poorly last night, and then the dog started barking at 3:45 this morning. I was so groggy that I thought it was time to get up! I took care of the pets before I realized what time it was, then I went back to sleep until 7:00, two hours past my usual time to rise. I'll have to do the morning chores after breakfast.

My goal today is to get in some kind of exercise. Not sure when or what yet. Unfortunately have not reached the point where working out is a routine habit.

I need to get my nails done, but I'm not going out in the rain today if I can help it. Weatherman says it may clear up on Monday. Tonight we may get snow mixed in with the rain. Of course I love snow, but when it's mixed with rain you just end up with wet and cold.

I worked on adding a staff member to the Worldcon committee yesterday, which turned out to be very time consuming and stressful. This is mostly because I had transposed an s and an x in his email address in my contacts list. I fail at typing and I am getting very annoyed that the doctor can't find an eyeglass prescription that makes the screen easy to read.

Am also really stressing about the trip to New York. Right now my big issue is how I am going to find a taxi in Brooklyn after the shows. It would be difficult to arrange a to have a taxi meet me, because I am going to the stage door on Friday and on Saturday have no idea how long the Artists Talk will last. I'm deathly phobic about public transit. I keep wondering if I should rent a car to drive between my hotel near Laguardia and Brooklyn, so I have the freedom to go when and where I want. There is parking by the BAM. One minute I think that's a good idea - the next minute I am terrified of getting lost in NYC. I've got to make a decision. It's so stupid how I dwell and fret about things like this instead of enjoying the anticipation of seeing Alan Rickman in person.

January 4th, 2011

Tuesday - WTF? @ 03:55 pm

Current Mood: annoyed

The dog decided he wanted to go out at 4:00 A.M. I took care of all the pets while I was up. Then I went back to bed and slept like a log. So now I'm two hours behind schedule and all disoriented.

When I finally sat down at my computer - no internet access.

Finally managed to get on line, except I couldn't get on InsaneJournal. The page refused to load.

I keep getting IM ed on Facebook, which is okay I guess, but no one ever IM s me, so it's disconcerting.

And my mouse is acting really wonky. I went through the difficult chore of replacing the batteries, and that didn't help.

Come on, universe, I just want a normal, basic Tuesday today, okay?

January 3rd, 2011

Real Life on the first Monday of 2011 @ 06:40 am

Current Mood: groggy

The scale says I'm up to 168 pounds this morning, so that's my new starting point. My goal is to lose 2 pounds a month; if I can't do that, I'm not trying. I have a new Wii Game, 'Walk It Out,' which is great. It's decent exercise and the time flies by.

Faeon took all the Christmas decorations down yesterday except for the real wreath outside. It is still so pretty we decided to leave it up for a while. I'm not sure I've ever managed to get the decorations down this early in the year.

Then he, Lee and I went to Best Buy to get me a new printer. It's very shiny and was on sale, so I'm pleased. After that we went shopping for groceries. I really do have a great son to help me out with all this stuff.

Lots of chores building up around the house. I might get out to Fred Meyer today to pick up stuff I couldn't get at Winco. We're supposed to have another day of sunshine with the high temperature near 40°. We still have a lot of ice left over from our snow and hail storms; the roads are mostly clear but parking lots can be dicey.

December 31st, 2010

We can has sunshine!! @ 05:52 am

Current Mood: exanimate

We also have this weird white stuff on the ground, which is the consistency of a snow cone during the day and turns into solid ice during the night. Roads are not great and Chad got called into work, so we canceled our New Year's Eve party and I'm spending the night alone. Which, after the past two weeks, does not sound particularly bad. If the roads are clear enough I might go out and see 'Tron' or 'The Tourist'.

Took Chenelle to get an upgraded phone yesterday. She now has a Droid 2. She's with Verizon, while all the rest of us are on AT&T. The whole process took something like two hours and was outrageously expensive. I really don't know why I do stuff like this for her, especially since she treats her phones so roughly, but these days I'm the only mom she has. She and Elizabeth have almost totally broken ties because Chenelle thinks her brother should still be invited into the house in spite of what he did to her own daughter.

November 5th, 2010

More of the same only different. @ 08:51 am

Current Mood: blah

The reason I couldn't believe that Mandalynn is going to be six in a couple weeks is because she will only be five. I visited her pre-school for an hour or so yesterday. Can't say that I enjoyed it. Lots of whining because they couldn't find any ladybugs. Some of the kids were a joy to watch at how focused they were about numbers and letters, but Mandalynn sure wasn't one of them, and spent the time sulking. And there was a little girl who wanted nothing more than to go home, who latched on to me.

I did get some time to chat with Kathy, but she doesn't seem to know anything more than I do about the girls. And I had time with Memphis, who is about to turn 3 months old. He was really well behaved and charmed everyone with his big smiles. At Kathy's suggestion, we went to get our nails done; this was good because it was something I really needed to do anyway, but bad because I'm accustomed to my own girl doing my nails. The end result is really nice, but a couple times the process was really painful.

But seeing Kathy didn't really pull me out of this depression. I went to bed when I got home for twelve hours, and overslept an hour this morning.

One thing that the visit to Olympia did for me was to put an end to the grumpies. I was furious with everybody yesterday morning. I am of course angry at the American voters. I'm angry that Justice went home with S&E when she apparently had the opportunity to stay with Kathy, I'm angry that Justice has done nothing at all to try to contact me or to try to get her cell phone back from the boy who is holding it for her, I'm angry because Alex doesn't tell me what is going on with her health and because she was very cold and disinterested about Keirsten moving, I'm angry because Keirsten choose to move to a different high school...

Right now I am doing my best to get my head away from teenagers and into my own stuff. I have meetings coming up for the Reno Worldcon and the Seattle Westercon, and my desk is covered with paperwork. Faeon plans to come over this afternoon and we will pick up some groceries and maybe I can get him to do some vacuuming for me. He also promised to get the dog groomed this weekend.

One thing has happened to raise my spirits: Patty Murray was declared the winner of our Senate election. That was the only campaign that I personally worked on, so I'm pleased and relieved. Patty is good people.

October 18th, 2010

Booorrrring @ 05:19 am

Current Mood: groggy

Edited from Nutrisystem Forum:

The scale is down 1.2 pounds this morning, which is a pleasant surprise when I only had one work-out session all of last week. I wish I could say this week is going to be better, but it is going to be very full with three dinners out, so I'm not feeling good about that.

The dog got me up at 4:20 A.M. this morning, but since I'd had almost 8 hours sleep on top of a two hour nap yesterday, I've decided to stay up.
Also, I have to meet Justice before school at 7:00. I took her phone away for a month because she wasn't following the rules; now she gets to have it only at school, and needs to leave it with a friend when she's at home.

Faeon and I made a trip to Winco yesterday. Now all I have to do is get motivated to make the salads. Jinx and I are scheduled to play Animal Crossing this afternoon, but I have nothing that should derail me from my diet today and all evening to get in my exercise.

I didn't mention that Sunday night we had a hard freeze, the first of the season. But the temperature got up to the 60s, and I don't think it's quite so cold this morning. Forecast of partly cloudy with similar temperatures today, and no rain until Thursday! I sure hope the weatherman is right for a change.

October 9th, 2010

Boring, as usual @ 06:57 am

Current Mood: groggy

I did manage to get my hair washed yesterday, but no exercise session. I have to pick up milk today, but otherwise the groceries can wait until Sean and Lee come over tomorrow.

The party was okay, considering I only knew two people there out of the 24. The food was wonderful and since I was with the birthday party group I got all the special treatment of a Mary Kay hostess. Paid for it in products I ordered, though. I don't know why I buy skin care products. I know I'm too lazy to use them.

I have the day to myself, which sounds wonderful, but I'm sure by this afternoon I'll be feeling lonely.

Raining. High temperatures in the 60s. Repeat ad infinitum.

October 1st, 2010

Hurray it's Friday? Just another boring day. @ 07:02 am

Current Mood: bored

So I took Justice's phone from her yesterday after school. I'm so proud of her. She didn't pout at all, but acted like it was a normal occurrence, with lots of the usual hugs and kisses and small talk. It was such a relief. I just really wish it didn't have to be this way. I feel better when she has the phone, and I'll miss having her check in. Yet it's nice not to worry that she is going to get caught with it.

Tonight I'm going to a combination Mary Kaye party and birthday party for Dani's aunt. Sit-down pasta dinner, so so much for the diet. I'm hardly going to know anyone there, and I don't think the kids are coming, so I'm really nervous, but Dani's mom Leslie is a great person and I'm trying to cultivate more of a friendship with her. So I accepted the invitation and will almost certainly end up ordering some Mary Kaye products. Late tonight I'm going to make a grocery trip with Feaon and his roommate. Plus I have a hair appointment this morning and a bunch of household shit to be done. So it's going to be an expensive and busy day.

The weatherman lost touch with reality yesterday and thought we would have clear skies with temperatures near 80°, but in actuality the weather is better than usual. Partly cloudy and highs in the low 70s. So I'm certainly not complaining.

These posts are so boring I don't know why I bother, except I'm afraid of losing all touch with LJ and IJ.

This is the Way I Live (on IJ)

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." - Dave Barry