This is the Way I Live (on IJ)

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." - Dave Barry

July 24th, 2011

Give thanks to all the gods. @ 09:32 am

Current Mood: shocked

Seven wounded in casino shooting

This is where Faeon works. He went to work at 5:00 A.M. with no idea this had happened. Texted me that they had had "a big problem" at the casino and he had to work late. Probably he was trying to keep me from freaking out. I found out what the "problem" was on Twitter.

I'm still shaking and nearly in tears.

June 5th, 2011

Further on the topic of abandonment @ 10:25 am

Current Mood: abaondoned

Did you ever notice how often "I'll call you" means "I really don't care if I ever talk to you again."

June 4th, 2011

If it's really not possible, you shouldn't have promised in the first place. @ 04:56 pm

Current Mood: abandoned

People shouldn't promise to visit or help with something and then make last minute excuses. That's not okay. It's hurtful

When I'm alone I cry and say I hate them, but really I'm just disappointed and hurt.

May 9th, 2010

Mother's Day, 2010 @ 09:00 pm

Current Mood: happy

A belated Happy Mother's Day, to those of you who are celebrating.

My day started out, as I've mentioned, with a big dose of Robert Downey Jr. That was followed by a Mother's Day text message from Chenelle. I called my mom and learned that unfortunately the flowers I ordered to be delivered to her yesterday had never arrived, so I spent 30 minutes on the phone with TeleFlora. They finally promised me delivery on Tuesday and a 50% refund. Ten minutes later mom called to say the flowers had arrived.

Kathy came by with Mandalynn (who is 4-years-old now) and brought me a card (signed by her entire family) and a tiny rose bush. I won't be able to keep it alive, but it's pretty for now. Next I got a Mother's Day call from Dave Ratti, one of my oldest and dearest friends from Orlando. After that, much to my surprise, Faeon arrived, with some hand-picked flowers and cards from himself and Lee.

Oh, and Alex told me Happy Mother's Day on MySpace.

And this evening I have greatly enjoyed Snarry by Flora, containing lots of funny and hot dialog.

At the least, the best Mother's Day I've had in the past five years.

April 16th, 2010

The kid really comes through with a peace offering. @ 01:17 pm

Current Mood: drained
Tags: ,

I have a son who, after receiving an email full of obscenities from me, insisted on driving over here in what was to him the middle of the night so we could talk face-to-face. And brought all my favorite things from Starbucks with him.

I don't feel like everything is sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows, but we did establish a few things. The biggest, oddly enough, is that he needs to talk with his doctor because his ADHD is totally out of control and really impacting his life; Ritalin in the dosages he is taking is just not cutting it. Also, that I would rather he reply "K" to a text than to not reply at all. And I need to work on being more independent.

I'm tired of being pathetic @ 07:01 am

Current Mood: infuriated
Tags: ,

I hate being an empty-nest mother, on top of being separated from the girls.

This is perfectly natural. Kids grow up, they move out (Faeon was a little slow on that one), they have their own lives, and in most situations they don't have time for their moms anymore. Oddly enough, I think I've prepared myself for that with the girls, but Faeon was, well, an unusual case. For quite a long while he was planning for financial reasons to continue to live here and go back to college.

Cut for drama and raging. )

I'm still not ready to talk to him. I am sick to death of always being the first one to text and the one to suggest we get together. Honestly, I don't even want to see him for a while. It would feel too damn much like he was giving up his time out of pity and guilt.

February 7th, 2010

Are you ready to listen to me whine again? @ 08:51 am

Current Mood: crappy

I'm absolutely miserable this morning. I'm leaving on Wednesday for a two week trip to Illinois, and yesterday I had to raid every stash of cash in the house so I will have enough money for the trip. Then I went to Starbucks for a frappuccino and scone to try to make myself feel better. 

Faeon and his roommate were here when I got home and stayed for several hours, during which time they got a U-Haul truck and took 300 pounds of garbage to the dump. Don't know why, maybe because he kept finding stuff from when he was a kid and also stuff relating to John, but it was really hard for me to see Faeon leave for his new apartment, and after he left I cried so hard I started coughing. It must have taken 15 minutes before I could breathe properly again.

Then Alex made an unbelievably profane and filthy post about her sister on MySpace. When I asked her what Justice had done to make her so angry, I got answers like "because I can" and "I don't really care right now." I didn't get angry, but I did say that if it were up to me she would be banned from MySpace for several days, and that I was uncertain about our plans to go to a movie tomorrow, which got another profane post, this one about how screwed up I am. This isn't extremely unusual teenage behavior, but it was upsetting.

Over the course of the day I had three Kahlua and vodka drinks, ate things like Pop Tarts, and didn't exercise at all, which will probably show up as a weight gain on the scale tomorrow. I stayed up really late and slept poorly. I didn't want to face life this morning, and got up two hours later than usual.

So now I am feeling really fat, possibly a bit hung-over, and totally depressed. I'm not really sure what Alex and I are doing tomorrow. I need to start getting ready for the trip, but right now I am totally occupied with depression and self-pity.

January 12th, 2010

Apparently I will survive @ 07:47 am

Current Mood: calm

I went back on the NutriSystem diet plus an exercise plan starting yesterday. I've gained back 17 of the 50 pounds I lost, and I'm ready to seriously address that problem.

What surprises me, and is a very good sign, is that I am ready. A week ago I was totally beaten down by the depression and mood swings. And I have to face the fact that all of that may come back on me. But right now I feel like I have a handle on life.

I'm still adapting to Faeon moving out, but it appears that at least for a while I'm going to see him a couple times a week (even if it's only because he wants to borrow my minivan). I am going to save a significant amount of money living alone, and there won't be piles of Faeon's stuff all through the house.

I still break down now and then over missing John, but I've crossed one big threshold - We're going to have his ashes moved to a permanent location at a cemetery. I don't need to have them here anymore, and there will still be a place where we can go to remember him. And I'm packing up the photos, keepsakes, and letters that have been on the bookshelf into a sturdy box with a lid. I don't need those things in sight every day to hold on to, and I'm not afraid anymore that Justice will forget her Papa. I'm keeping the box easily accessible for when I need to see and hold those things, but right now they cause more pain than comfort.

The girls are of course still my biggest heartbreak and stress. I'm only allowed to see them once every two weeks for three hours, and they can't come into my house. I'm not allowed to give or buy them anything except for store gift certificates. Meanwhile, at home, they've been allowed to have alcohol - I'm talking three beers at a party! Justice says that Steve calls her a worthless, stupid bitch. They aren't allowed to ask why when they are punished or not allowed to do things. Really, they are treated like Cinderella. Justice wrote a heartbreaking poem recently about how much she wants to have the real father whom she will never know.

Things absolutely cannot and will not go on like this, but I'm going to stop being overwhelmed and feeling helpless and afraid. But we (and I'm not alone) need to act slowly and deliberately toward eventually having the girls live with me. Sitting in my house screaming and crying at the injustice is not going to help anything, and acting rashly and dramatically, without support, would only complicate things.

Wow, this got long for what started out as an announcement that I'm going back on a diet plan! But this is stuff I need to remember the next time a tsunami of depression and anxiety is threatening.

January 9th, 2010

Welcome to the Northwest @ 05:13 pm

Current Mood: cynical

Faeon's new roommate, Lee, flew in from Orlando late last night. I don't believe Lee has even seen this part of the country before. He and Faeon have known each other on line for ten years, but last night was the first time they met face to face.

The sun is shining today. So help me, the skies are blue. This is the first day it hasn't rained here in at least three weeks.

And driving from the apartment to my house, they got in an auto accident.

No one's hurt. The cars are both drivable. Still, not what you would like to have happen on your first ride in your new roommate's car. Unfortunately for his insurance rates, Faeon says it was his fault. All I know is that he was making a left turn and the damage is to the right front of the car.

So finally they got here. My house literally looks like a tornado hit it, because of the flood we had in the dining room. There are book shelf contents and pieces of furniture scattered through my living room, entry way and impinging on the kitchen.

This poor kid is not getting a proper first impression of his new home.

Right now Faeon and Lee are at IKEA (in my minivan) buying furniture for Lee's room. At least Lee is familiar with IKEA.

December 31st, 2008

And one more thing that happened in 2008... @ 10:25 pm

Current Mood: distressed

With two hours left in 2008, my son Faeon just walked in the door. He quit his job.

I had been getting text messages that sounded like he was going to walk off at any minute. He has put up with a lot of bullshit there (he was a barback/bartender in a tribal-owned casino), which is certainly not a unique situation, but an old problem that he thought was settled came back up tonight, and he got pissed off enough to leave. He says he is prepared to go job hunting, even in this market. (I'm not sure even McDonald's is hiring.) I'd love to see him get enough student loans to attend college full time, but he would have to have some way to make his car payments and motorcycle payments.

My biggest concern at this moment is that he has high blood pressure and severe ADHD, and just gave up his medical insurance.

December 22nd, 2008

Sometimes the truth gets revealed whether you want it to or not. @ 10:13 pm

Current Mood: melancholy

My post and poll about Faeon getting me Snape's wand for Christmas resolved itself this evening, when he said, "You know how I was saying we're both hard to buy presents for because we buy the things we want ourselves?" and picked up Snape's wand which, as I said, was on display not more than four feet from the tree.

I told him about how I'd been worried about that possibility, and he laughed about it a lot. We decided to leave his gift under the tree for me to open on Christmas Eve, but he gave me the box and packing slip so I can exchange the wand for Lupin's.

I still feel kinda blue. I mean, he took the time and put the thought into getting me something that would be a total surprise and I would really like, and I feel bad that it didn't work out that way. In fact, I definitely appear to feel worse about this than he does.

The up side to this story is that I'm going to get Remus Lupin's wand, which I have been coveting for at least a year.

This is what they mean by a 'White Christmas' @ 09:12 am

Current Mood: cheerful

Snow, snow, snow, gorgeous, breath-taking snow!! There is something like 8" on the ground now. Faeon has never seen this much snow outside of the mountains in his life. The trees are glistening and covered in white, and look like a scene from a Christmas card.

It hasn't been extremely cold - 28 degrees at the moment. In fact, yesterday afternoon it started raining and things seemed to be thawing, so Faeon decided to go up the hill to get stuff for the stockings. But by the time he was ready, it was snowing again! In fact, once he went on the back porch and said it was raining, while I was looking out the front door and could see it was snowing!

The county has plowed the road that runs in front of my house, something they have never bothered with before, and there have been lots of cars going by, so the roads can't be too horrible this morning.

Kathy was here on Friday, and under her direction the tree and area around it are the prettiest I have ever had. She even made a beautiful display of green and gold holly, ivy and berries (artificial) for John's stocking. And she painted everyone's name in gold fabric paint on their stockings. Unfortunately, Justice's stocking is silver-white and the gold won't show up on it. The plan was that I would buy a different color and she would come back some evening to finish that and also to hang some lights outside. But because of the snow I'm afraid she won't get back out here.

The notebook computer Tom and I got the girls is up and running. They both have sent me numerous emails, which I love.

The only bad news is that I got a text message on Saturday night (at 1:30 AM, for some reason) from Kathy saying that Justice is going to be grounded because she took home a pair of house slippers I bought her (Clothes I buy for the girls are supposed to stay here.) a few weeks ago at Walmart. Incredible. I need to check with Elizabeth today to make sure the girls will be allowed to take home all the Christmas presents I have under the tree for them.

December 20th, 2008

You're gonna catch your death of cold, boy! @ 06:56 pm

Current Mood: cynical
Current Music: Dishwasher
Tags: ,

Current weather conditions: light snow, 25 degrees, winds gusting to 19 MPH, perhaps 3" of snow on the ground.

Faeon just went out the door wearing a t-shirt, jeans, and flip-flops.

He said he was just going to jump in the car and drive to the corner store.

I won't go outside on the porch to smoke without my winter coat over warm clothes, with shoes and socks.

Edited for Addition: The National Weather Service is causing a panic. A fight broke out earlier at the gas station down the street. Apparently at least the three stations closest to us are totally out of gasoline.

Chill, people! My prediction is that we won't even lose power.

This is the Way I Live (on IJ)

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." - Dave Barry