This is the Way I Live (on IJ)

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." - Dave Barry

October 18th, 2011

I'm not especially pleased with this week. @ 09:22 am

Current Mood: exhausted

37 minutes on the Wii Fit Plus yesterday, for 110 calories. I drank a Zone Zinger from Emerald City Smoothie as a meal substitute and didn't keep track of calories.

I drove Tom to the airport last night and didn't get to bed until 11:00, so I overslept by 90 minutes this morning. I hate starting out the day behind schedule.

It's going to be a long week. I have appointments every day. Including the dentist.

I'm so, so tired. All the time. Don't know what it is. Maybe depression, maybe I'm adjusting to Nutrisystem still... For a couple weeks I thought I had picked up a virus, but that wouldn't last this long. I have all sorts of chores that have to be done this morning, so I can't afford to be low on energy. But all I want to do is crawl into bed and read Snuff. Or maybe watch the DVD of Arther, a movie I expect to really enjoy. Or most likely of all, just fall asleep. Seems to be my mantra ever since I got back from Las Vegas - I'm exhausted. For no reason. I can't afford this. In a month I'm going to New York City and then to Loscon immediately afterward.

My therapist thinks it might be time for me to see my regular doctor. Maybe she's right, but I can't get up the energy to make the appointment.

October 11th, 2011

One of those days @ 09:00 am

Current Mood: cranky

1165 calories consumed yesterday. 32 minutes (118 calories) on the Wii Fit Plus.

I'm not sure if I'm sick because I'm depressed or I'm depressed because I'm sick. Yesterday my intestinal tract didn't want to digest anything. Today I'm exhausted and everything seems bleak. My stomach is kinda queasy.

What I need to do is get my morning chores done, then take a bath and get into bed and read. Snuff was delivered to my Kindle this morning.

August 31st, 2011

This and that. @ 06:35 am

Current Mood: sick

Kinda a lazy day yesterday, although I did five loads of laundry and some picking-up of the mess left by moving mom's furniture in. Weather has been overcast, but it hasn't rained, and the temperatures are mild.

I think I'd be almost completely recovered from the past 8 grueling months if it weren't for this damned cough. I've got gunk in my bronchial tubes that has no intention of going anywhere this morning. The only expectorant I have in the house also has a coubh suppressant in it, and I can't take that because I'll be driving this morning.

My massage therapist and I are having trouble getting together. First I had to cancel because we spent an extra day in Reno. Then I had to cancel again because of this dang cold. Now she has a tonsil infection, and will call me when she is able to go back to work.

Chatted with Archer yesterday, which was so cool, and at least heard from Elfie (although she says she can't make it to the Discworld Convention). I'm really sad about the number of people who won't make it next year; Jinx has also said it's impossible, and I haven't heard definite yeses from anyone but Grace and me.

Once again, I do not understand popular opinion. Watched The King's Speech. Ho hum. Then watched Salt -- Wow! One of the best action movies ever! Perfect timing, exciting action, and a serpentine plot that kept me guessing right down to the last few minutes of the movie. Loved it!

March 17th, 2011

Not on my list of best days. @ 08:59 pm

Current Mood: worried
Tags: ,

The dental technician did something they call a "deep cleaning" of the teeth and gums in a quarter of my mouth. I was numb while they were doing it but have spent the rest of the day on painkillers. Still too sore tonight to chew anything, and got almost nothing productive done today.

Patrick, Kathy's significant other and father of Nate, Mandalynn and Memphis, has made the bizarre decision that Steve and Elizabeth have to know about Justice's pregnancy scare. I'd understand if we were talking about sane parents here, but we aren't, and he should know that. Anyway, he has told Justice that if she doesn't tell them tomorrow he will. Which, really, is so bizarre, because Steve and Elizabeth will not allow the girls to have any contact with Patrick whatsoever (not that they listen). I've never been totally thrilled with Patrick, but this has me furious, and I wish Justice had never told him what was going on. Although I suppose if she hadn't Kathy would have.

Anyway, I guess Kathy is going over to their house tomorrow to be with Justice when she tells Elizabeth. I see nothing good that can come of this. It's not like it will mean they pay more attention to where she is going or what she is doing. They'll probably just ground her indefinitely from seeing anyone, possibly even me.

Worrying about this isn't doing a bit of good. I just hope that tonight I can get by with no after-bedtime phone calls or texts.

March 5th, 2011

Saturday @ 07:06 am

Current Mood: busy

Latest crises is that I had to suspend service on Justice's cell phone. She was taking the phone home and texting her boyfriend all night, and then making up outrageous stories about Britney sneaking the phone to her or her sneaking over to Britney's. Gave her every chance in the world, but can find no other way that I can feel safe that she won't get caught with the phone. Her last text to me was horrible, but minutes after she got home she called me and apologized profusely.

Meanwhile, Alex's phone was stolen, and I haven't replaced it yet. Then for her birthday S&E got her a Go-Phone, but I am expected to pay the cost of $2/day for unlimited minutes and texting. I can have four smart phones under contract for that. Pisses me off, but nothing I can do. S&E insisted she not have a phone that could access the internet.

Am almost over the monster virus, except for coughing and hacking. And my thumb still hurts like a bitch.

Going to try to get my eating back under control today, but I've been saying that for a week.

Today I have to work on the Reno Worldcon. My personal finances are urgent, but people are counting on me to be ready before the Worldcon meeting next weekend.

February 28th, 2011

Things to feel positive about @ 06:01 pm

Current Mood: hopeful
Tags: , ,

I'm feeling much better. Haven't puked for two days and the congestion now just feels like a cold. I'm coughing a little, but not bad. I have, however, lost my voice for now. I'm crazy weak, which is not surprising, but I have been out of bed most of today. I was even going to go out and get my nails done, but Faeon talked me into staying in the house one more day.

My best friend Dave, who lives in Orlando, is the person I usually call when I need someone to lean on or to talk to, but I haven't been able to reach him for a couple weeks. I kept leaving messages on his answering machine but he never returned my calls, which is SO unlike him. I have been horribly worried. But I got through to his roommate today and found out that he has just been working lots of overtime and forgetting to listen to the answering machine. He's fine, although I'm going to kill him for worrying me so.

I called the nursing home where my mother is today and found out that they have finally gotten the infection from the abrasion on her arm where she fell under control. Unfortunately that was the only good news. She is complaining so much of pain now that they are giving her Vicodin. That can't be doing her level of awareness any good. Aside from that, they say her condition is "unchanged." I wish I had remembered to ask how her dog is getting along there.

Tomorrow I'm getting my hair cut (having found out my girl has moved to a new parlor) and hopefully fit in getting my nails done, then I get to take Justice and Alex out to dinner. Alex's birthday is Wednesday and she wants clip-in hair extensions, plus I'll probably take her shopping at Hot Topic.

To be honest, I have several worries weighing on my mind that are anything but positive, but I'm trying to concentrate on the good stuff for now.

February 26th, 2011

What's the best cure? @ 08:05 am

Current Mood: sick

I've figured out why I have thrown up a couple of times with this cold:

Cut for TMI and the weak stomached )

I will be happy to entertain other theories, such as this is just part of the virus that has attacked me. I really am feeling better, but occasionally puking puts a damper on things.

February 24th, 2011

Thursday morning report @ 07:16 am

Current Mood: sick
Tags: ,

We've had snow showers for the past two days and I love how the snow clings to the trees. Amazingly, the schools aren't closed, so the roads must be plowed. I'm out of decongestant, I have no Nutrisystem bars or desserts, and no one bought me string cheese, which is one of my staples. Before Illinois I might have let this sort of snow keep me from going out, but now that seems silly. The only problem is that I hate to go out when I still have such severe congestion and am beginning to cough. I was feeling better when I first got up today, but now my ears are stopped up again and the headache has come back. As far as my nose is concerned, I might as well be Voldemort. There hasn't been any air passing through my nasal passages for three days.

February 23rd, 2011

My continued absence @ 06:06 pm

Current Mood: sick

I may have mentioned that the night I arrived in Chicago to catch my plane home I came down with a cold. It's still just a cold, I think, but a particularly nasty one, probably because three weeks of awful during which I ate irregularly and found sleep difficult, lowered my resistance.

Anyway, I spent almost all of yesterday and today in bed. I think I'm a little better this evening and I'm hoping I'll at least be up to working on the computer tomorrow.

And the computer is another problem. Over the night last night it had turned itself off. When I turned it on the mouse wouldn't work. When Patrick came over to work on the mouse this afternoon it was off again. Patrick, I'm glad to say, was able to get the wireless mouse working, so for the moment everything is working normally on the computer. Now I'll see if I can catch it shutting itself down.

We haven't been having power outages, I'm almost certain, as all the electric clocks continue to work. It's kinda windy, but still... The part that raises my spirits is that we've been having snow showers rather than rain the past two days. Much prettier.

February 22nd, 2011

I am home @ 08:02 am

Current Mood: sick
Tags: ,

My mother is physically almost helpless, and her mind is only partially there. She doesn't know she is in a nursing home or that she had a stroke, fortunately. I've spent part of every day for the past three weeks visiting her.

The best thing that happened was that the nursing home adopted mom's dog. I can't even say how terrific this is. The dog seems to be getting along fine there. The residents all like her and she is, amazingly, behaving fairly well. Although almost totally not housebroken at home, there she is doing what she needs to do during long walks three times a day.

I got stuck in the snow twice and in the mud once. Those are just the times I needed to be rescued.

It's hard for me to be in my mother's house. It seems like an impossible job to clean the place out, and I keep expecting to see mom and the dog there.

I have no clean clothes to wear and probably all sorts of mail that has to be taken care of, but today I can hardly sit up for exhaustion. It doesn't help that I came down with a nasty cold yesterday. I am so very, very exhausted, physically and mentally and emotionally. I think I'll go to bed and play dead.

But I am safely at home.

January 19th, 2011

I wanz nap nao @ 08:05 am

Current Mood: groggy
Tags: ,

The trip to New York was glorious, but has, as most traveling does, totally sapped my energy. The 3-hour time difference hasn't helped much, either. Before I left, I had developed a rather impressive schedule of getting chores done right after breakfast. Now I'm like "Yeah, right, that ain't gonna happen." Everywhere I turn there is something that needs to be done, and it exhausts me just thinking about it. I supposed this is some sort of post-adventure let-down. All I know is that I really want to go back to bed, but I need to be at my therapist's in a couple hours and really do not have the time.

Also, I'm really hungry, even though I've had a proper Nutrisystem breakfast. I think there is a pattern of me being hungry during the first half of the day and then not wanting to eat at all after about 4:00 in the afternoon. And I do really want to get back on Nutrisystem and an exercise program. I became intensely aware while I was in New York of just how big and flabby my abdomen is, sticking out as much as my boobs do even when I'm wearing a push-up bra. I do not intend to be a fat little old lady, damn it.

I would eat a half of a banana to get some energy, but I already did that this morning. Maybe another cup of coffee will help. Or I just might make myself a second breakfast and charge it against the food I'm supposed to eat this afternoon.

October 15th, 2010

Boring RL & thoughts about the girls @ 07:18 am

Current Mood: worried

Edited from NutriSystem Forum:

I'm beginning to wonder if this is some sort of depressive episode, or a combination of that and a flu bug. My throat and head are much better, but I took a nap yesterday and then slept for most of 12 hours last night, getting up only to take care of the pets and lock up. When I did get up, my stomach was hurting, although that has eased off now. I still feel weak as a kitten, but that's to be expected after spending so much time in bed.

Today I'm going to have to get myself to move.
I got a text on Wednesday that the charger on Alex's phone isn't working, and I promised to pick one up today and meet her with it after school. Will be the first time I've met her at school since she started high school. I sure hope it really is the charger and not the phone. I'd like to get my nails done and see if I can get a hair appointment as well.

Rain yesterday, but it's supposed to clear up today. The high is predicted to only be in the high 50s, but yesterday the weatherman said 60 and it got up to 70. Temperature at 7:00 A.M. is 43°.

I asked to see Justice and Alex on Monday, and also on the 25th to have dinner with "Uncle Tom". I got back a reply that Alex was busy that day but the 25th was fine. That will be three weeks between visits. Justice was going to talk to Elizabeth about seeing me next Monday, but since I have heard nothing I don't think that is going to happen. More and more I feel like I am missing this important stage in the girls' lives. I know that Alex is smoking cigarettes, has done pot at least three times, and is spending a lot of time with her 18-year-old pot head. But I don't know what to do. She's already heard all the warnings about how dangerous cigarettes are. I've tried to remind her that she might do things while smoking pot that she will regret later, but I don't think she is really hearing me. And the more anyone tries to tell she has no business with Shawn the more rebellious she becomes. I don't know what else I can do.

October 14th, 2010

Hurray, I'm out of bed! @ 05:19 am

Current Mood: awake

Taken from NutriSystem Post:

I must be feeling better, because I'm up out of bed and not wanting to go back to sleep. I'm sneezing and my throat is still a little sore. And my right leg is killing me from ankle to hip, but I'm sure that's because I haven't been using it and it has already improved from when I first got up.

I'm planning to take things pretty easy today. Depending on how I feel this afternoon, I might try some gentle walking at Winco. I need to start moving again after over two days stuck in bed.

What little I've seen of the weather the past couple days has been gorgeous, but today and tomorrow we are expecting rain with highs around 60°. Temperature at 5:30 A.M. is 42°.

October 13th, 2010

I'm not going to be around for a while. @ 09:03 am

Current Mood: sick

Throat sore, headache, sneezing, nauseated, dizzy, weak, don't want to do anything but sleep.

And I keep losing my internet connection.

And got a call last night that an old friend, Chris Ceralo, has passed away.

Maybe I'll go back to sleep.

September 30th, 2010

Thursday morning @ 06:42 am

Current Mood: blah

Well, for better or worse, Steve came through the surgery fine. Still don't know what they did, but he was back home last night. Justice says both Elizabeth and Steve were being especially mean and yelling at her. Alex, on the other hand, can talk of nothing except that she is going to Homecoming with Shawn, the 18-year-old pothead.

Today I'm taking Justice's phone away from her after school. I hate doing it almost as much as she hates giving it up, but I don't think she is going to raise a fuss. She says she "gets it."

Weather is weird. Yesterday it was cool with drizzle; today it is suppose to hit a high of almost 80°, the warmest it has been in at least a month.

I'm still 100% on the NutriSystem program and exercising every day. That's Day #3, the first landmark. Now I'm going for the full week.

Wish I was sleeping better. I'm having trouble getting to sleep and then wake up during the night because of dreams. I actually wake myself up talking or doing things like reaching for something that of course isn't there. I know the Risperdal would surpress all of this, but I won't go back to it, as it makes it impossible for me to lose weight. I'll stick to afternoon naps instead.

September 23rd, 2010

Ugh @ 08:38 am

Current Mood: sick

Feel like I have a gods-awful hangover. I got to sleep a little late (chatting with Elfie on FaceBook) and then overslept by at least a couple hours. Too miserable to get my thoughts in order, and there is SO MUCH I should be getting done.

May 26th, 2010

rrfgh887ytghj @ 10:55 pm

Current Mood: cranky

I hurt.Mostly it feels like moderate monthly cramps, which would be fine except I HAVEN'T HAD THE EQUIPMENT FOR THAT SINCE 1987! I'll go to the Acute Care Clinic tomorrow if I don't feel better. I hope SO HARD this is nothing more complicated than a bladder infection.

Alex started dating a girl a couple weeks ago, and there was such a change in her. For the first time in months she looked happy. It made my whole world light up to see the way she was smiling. But tonight I see on MySpace that they have broken up, and Alex is wailing about wanting Shawn, the 17-year-old pot head that she was dating last fall.

My mother is giving up her LifeLine service. Yes, this is totally insane, but I have absolutely washed my hands of arguing with her about her health care. The only reason I got involved is because they called me when they couldn't make mom understand that she will have to return the equipment. So I called mom and told her that, and the last I heard she was going to call up LifeLine and tell them that since they delivered and hooked up the equipment they have to pick it up from her.

There is a check to me in the mail that should have arrived yesterday, and the guys next door haven't paid their rent for April or May. Ergo, my checking account is overdrawn.

I want to take Abilify instead of Risperdal because it's supposed to be at least as effective without causing the exponential weight gain. Except when I tried to fill the prescription, Medicare said the doctor needed to explain why she couldn't prescribe something cheaper, like Risperdal. She got that approved for me, but then when I tried to have the prescription filled for two 5 mg tablets daily, the co-pay was over $800. The pharmacist said they could fill it with 10 mg tablets I would have to break in half, and that would cut the cost by half. But they couldn't do that without the doctor's approval. When I finally picked up the prescription today - I've been out of Abilify since I ran out of doctor's samples last Friday - my credit card was refused (I have no idea at all why) and I had to use a different one which I very strongly do not want to carry a balance on.

I mentioned in my online NutriSystem group that I'm a smoker and that I'm not open to considering quitting. And all hell broke loose. The really wonderful post was from the woman who needed to tell me how selfish I am being and started crying while she posted about her father dying of lung cancer. This is a group in which we have always strictly avoided conflict. We even made it through the 2008 elections with no political discussions. I've been in the group for three years, and I just ignored what was said. But if this is going to turn into something ugly I'll have to leave the group, which is actually all about meeting personal exercise goals.

Note: I know every single one of the reasons I shouldn't smoke. I also know that I stopped cutting myself the day I started smoking ten years ago, and believe I will go back to that behavior if I give up cigarettes. I am currently not even considering quitting smoking. If I make that clear, people need to understand that their input on the subject will have no effect on me and is not appreciated.

Fuck. I should have been asleep 90 minutes ago, and I'm not even drowsy.

April 14th, 2010

Determined but probably stupid. @ 09:41 am

Current Mood: sleepy

I didn't go to bed after my most recent post. I decided I was not going to miss two days in a row of aerobic exercise regardless of the time. But when I was changing clothes, I discovered my heart rate monitor had died. The thing lasted for an astonishingly long time, but picked last night to stop. None the less, I finished getting dressed and popped in the DVD (Leslie Sansone Silver Walk, i.e., aerobic exercise for grandmothers). This was when I discovered that Kathy had apparently tried to play a DVD for Mandalynn on the new system; I believe she failed, but she sure did push a lot of buttons. It took me forever to get the TV, remote, and DVD player to cooperate.

I then did the DVD workout, which is 2 miles in 30 minutes. After that, I of course wasn't sleepy, so I stayed up and ordered a new heart monitor online.

Bottom line: I got to bed at midnight, three hours past my bedtime, and the dog woke me up at 5:30 A.M. this morning. But I did manage to do a work-out session.

February 28th, 2010

Yay for drugs @ 07:42 am

Current Mood: awake

I dosed myself with generic Nyquil for Cough last night and slept like a log until 6:30 this morning (I'm usually up around 5:00.)

So far this morning there have been no long coughing fits. And I am hopeful that my body will now stop telling me I need more sleep.

February 27th, 2010

Okay, so maybe I am still a little sick. @ 09:17 am

Current Mood: exhausted

I stayed in bed most of yesterday and slept nine solid hours last night, and when the dog woke me up this morning I was feeling so much better (although I would have liked to sleep a bit longer). Unfortunately, after having been up for four hours, I'm not doing so well. Being nauseated isn't unusual for me, but I'm so exhausted that going back to bed is more of a necessity than a luxury. The cough seems more productive today. The gunk I'm bringing up is not thick or green, which is an excellent sign, but once there was a tiny streak of blood. This is not something to freak about; it has happened to me before and very probably is just a sign of how much irritation there is in my bronchial tubes.

No, I am not going to the doctor. Because the first thing she is going to ask me is if I've seen the lung specialist, and I would have to admit that I neglected to have the pulmonary test she ordered because I am the world's most accomplished procrastinator. And I would also have to tell her that she'd have to recommend a different specialist, because the one she sent me to was rude and heartless and I never, ever want to see her again.

I'll be fine. Really. I just need to get some more sleep.

This is the Way I Live (on IJ)

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." - Dave Barry