I went back on the NutriSystem diet plus an exercise plan starting yesterday. I've gained back 17 of the 50 pounds I lost, and I'm ready to seriously address that problem.
What surprises me, and is a very good sign, is that I am
ready. A week ago I was totally beaten down by the depression and mood swings. And I have to face the fact that all of that may come back on me. But right now I feel like I have a handle on life.
I'm still adapting to Faeon moving out, but it appears that at least for a while I'm going to see him a couple times a week (even if it's only because he wants to borrow my minivan). I am going to save a significant amount of money living alone, and there won't be piles of Faeon's stuff all through the house.
I still break down now and then over missing John, but I've crossed one big threshold - We're going to have his ashes moved to a permanent location at a cemetery. I don't need to have them here anymore, and there will still be a place where we can go to remember him. And I'm packing up the photos, keepsakes, and letters that have been on the bookshelf into a sturdy box with a lid. I don't need those things in sight every day to hold on to, and I'm not afraid anymore that Justice will forget her Papa. I'm keeping the box easily accessible for when I need to see and hold those things, but right now they cause more pain than comfort.
The girls are of course still my biggest heartbreak and stress. I'm only allowed to see them once every two weeks for three hours, and they can't come into my house. I'm not allowed to give or buy them anything except for store gift certificates. Meanwhile, at home, they've been allowed to have alcohol - I'm talking three beers at a party! Justice says that Steve calls her a worthless, stupid bitch. They aren't allowed to ask why when they are punished or not allowed to do things. Really, they are treated like Cinderella. Justice wrote a heartbreaking poem recently about how much she wants to have the real father whom she will never know.
Things absolutely cannot and will not go on like this, but I'm going to stop being overwhelmed and feeling helpless and afraid. But we (and I'm not alone) need to act slowly and deliberately toward eventually having the girls live with me. Sitting in my house screaming and crying at the injustice is not going to help anything, and acting rashly and dramatically, without support, would only complicate things.
Wow, this got long for what started out as an announcement that I'm going back on a diet plan! But this is stuff I need to remember the next time a tsunami of depression and anxiety is threatening.