This is the Way I Live (on IJ)

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." - Dave Barry

October 8th, 2011

Boring old Saturday morning @ 07:13 am

Current Mood: awake

After all that angst about what movie to see yesterday, we all agreed on 'Abduction'. Then it turned out that the time was too late because Jacob had to get to the high school to get ready for a football game. So we went to see Harry Potter 7b again. I certainly didn't mind. Alex and I cried again. Justice said she didn't. Jacob (though he had originally said it was an awesome movie he wouldn't mind seeing again) fell asleep.

I've completely ruined my diet. I'm honestly scared to get on the scale Monday morning. Going to be so good for the next two days!

I'm kinda mini-rapid-cycling. Sometimes I'm really excited, especially about the trips to New York City and Orlando. Sometimes I'm very sad and depressed. I'm especially missing John. My therapist says that it is natural that losing my mom would renew my grief over John. The loss of Steve Jobs even affected me more than it should have.

Today is a day for getting chores done. Between caring for the dog, making meals for Nutrisystem, and exercising, it seems I don't have nearly as much time as I should. My reward if I get enough done is going to be to watch the DVD of Arthur.

September 29th, 2011

Life of a burnt-out bipolar. @ 06:37 am

Current Mood: tired

Apparently I am doing rapid cycling, and I don't mean on a bicycle or the Wii Fit. Think I am still trying to recover from the eight months after my mother's stroke, and there is still stuff I haven't finished on her estate. And the realtor reports no nibbles at all on selling mom's house.

Hypomania: making all sorts of plans, many of which cost more than I really should be spending. Buying new computer chairs for Sean, Lee and myself; I really didn't need one desperately, and my new one is much nicer than I need (sure is comfortable though).

Depression: Exhaustion. OMG, tired right down to my bones. Waking up in the middle of the night for no reason. Disturbing dreams of anxiety and frustration. Unable to make any progress on my huge To-Do list. Overeating, not exercising. Grieving deeply for John - I guess losing mom has brought missing John to the front of my life.

I am alternating between these two two or three times a day. Guess my meds just aren't holding me in the face of what I've been through. I'm also wondering if my new diet/exercise program might be messing with their effectiveness.

I've screwed up on both exercise and diet these past three days. I'm going to have to give a lot of effort to meet my weight loss goal by next Monday (1.5 pounds/week).

January 13th, 2010

Why can't I have fun Manic Episodes? @ 07:50 am

Current Mood: drained

In Bipolar patients, the Manic Episodes often manifest with having lots of energy, being very talkative, going on shopping sprees, and promiscuity.

With me yesterday afternoon, it was intense irritability - I was angry at everything - and overwhelming restlessness. And I slept like crap. Well, I did come very close to buying a netbook I can't afford. I didn't, but I wasted hours surfing the net for a good deal.

This morning I'm just worn out.

I really don't want the doctor to experiment with other medications, but this is getting really annoying.

January 12th, 2010

Apparently I will survive @ 07:47 am

Current Mood: calm

I went back on the NutriSystem diet plus an exercise plan starting yesterday. I've gained back 17 of the 50 pounds I lost, and I'm ready to seriously address that problem.

What surprises me, and is a very good sign, is that I am ready. A week ago I was totally beaten down by the depression and mood swings. And I have to face the fact that all of that may come back on me. But right now I feel like I have a handle on life.

I'm still adapting to Faeon moving out, but it appears that at least for a while I'm going to see him a couple times a week (even if it's only because he wants to borrow my minivan). I am going to save a significant amount of money living alone, and there won't be piles of Faeon's stuff all through the house.

I still break down now and then over missing John, but I've crossed one big threshold - We're going to have his ashes moved to a permanent location at a cemetery. I don't need to have them here anymore, and there will still be a place where we can go to remember him. And I'm packing up the photos, keepsakes, and letters that have been on the bookshelf into a sturdy box with a lid. I don't need those things in sight every day to hold on to, and I'm not afraid anymore that Justice will forget her Papa. I'm keeping the box easily accessible for when I need to see and hold those things, but right now they cause more pain than comfort.

The girls are of course still my biggest heartbreak and stress. I'm only allowed to see them once every two weeks for three hours, and they can't come into my house. I'm not allowed to give or buy them anything except for store gift certificates. Meanwhile, at home, they've been allowed to have alcohol - I'm talking three beers at a party! Justice says that Steve calls her a worthless, stupid bitch. They aren't allowed to ask why when they are punished or not allowed to do things. Really, they are treated like Cinderella. Justice wrote a heartbreaking poem recently about how much she wants to have the real father whom she will never know.

Things absolutely cannot and will not go on like this, but I'm going to stop being overwhelmed and feeling helpless and afraid. But we (and I'm not alone) need to act slowly and deliberately toward eventually having the girls live with me. Sitting in my house screaming and crying at the injustice is not going to help anything, and acting rashly and dramatically, without support, would only complicate things.

Wow, this got long for what started out as an announcement that I'm going back on a diet plan! But this is stuff I need to remember the next time a tsunami of depression and anxiety is threatening.

January 11th, 2009

Disgustingly Cheerful @ 07:44 am

Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: California Dreamin' - The Mamas and Papas
Tags: ,

The girls' dance recital yesterday went really very well. In fact, it was one of the best ones ever (even though Justice "messed up" a little, it wasn't noticeable). Alex pinned her necklace securely under her costume, and as far as I know, there was no drama at all over it. There was such a palpable feeling of relief and happiness, with both me and the girls, when they came out from the dressing room after the show. I think we are all almost regretting now the decision not to continue the classes, but the next term's schedule probably would have made it impossible anyway.

I must have been worrying even more than I realized, because I got a really good night's sleep last night. Waking up at 6:30, after days of getting up at 5:00 AM, felt terrific.

I don't even feel like bitching about the fact it is raining. Maybe the weatherman will actually be right for once and it will clear up by Wednesday.

This is the Way I Live (on IJ)

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." - Dave Barry