This is the Way I Live (on IJ)

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." - Dave Barry

January 15th, 2012

Saying my goodbyes. @ 07:30 am

Current Mood: sad
Tags: ,

Nine days short of one year since my mom had her stroke. My childhood home has been on the market for six months, I've had to pay all the utilities, taxes, insurance, and upkeep - I should be relieved to let it go. But I'm so deeply sad.

Today I pack. Tomorrow morning I leave for Chicago, from which I will drive to Galesburg, Illinois. I'm going to walk through the house my parents owned for 61 years one last time, then on Wednesday is the sale closing. I want to go put flowers on my parents' grave - hope I can find it in the snow. I want to eat at Steak 'n Shake. Wednesday night I have dinner with my nieces. At least they are on Facebook, so I won't totally lose them forever. But aside from them, there is no reason I should ever visit Galesburg again. There's nothing for me there but all the memories.

My childhood wasn't particularly happy, as such things go, but I lived the first 20 years of my life in that house, and it's so hard to let go. The restaurants I ate at a thousand times, the church where I was baptized and where I met and married my first husband, the schools I attended.

My mother believed she would be with my dad again when she died (he passed away in 1989). I hope she's right. We were so different, but she loved me unconditionally. I miss her.

I knew I would have to do this someday. My mother was 94 when she died, so I should be well prepared. But I hate this.

September 13th, 2011

Diet report and BRL @ 09:21 am

Current Mood: anxious

I stayed strictly on the Nutrisystem diet yesterday but still ate 1290 calories. On average Nutrisystem is supposed to keep one under 1200 calories per day, but it really depends on the choices you make.

I tried exercising, and was shocked and frightened by how little I was able to do, especially considering what I was able to do easily a year ago. My goal was to do ten minutes of yoga and 20 minutes of aerobics on the Wii Fit, but after only ten minutes of aerobics I had to finish the last ten minutes with yoga. It wasn't that my heart rate was high or that I was breathing hard, but I felt so tired I could collapse and my calf muscles especially really hurt. I think I will try to add in some strength training today.

I bought a couple Harry Potter calendars today, one for the wall plus a single page desk calendar. Couldn't find exactly what I wanted, which is nice big squares to write appointments in on the wall calendar, but that's okay, because I already have a Discworld calendar for 2012 that will work for that.

I finally started a new book yesterday: The Broken Kingdoms by J.K. Jemisin, the sequal to One Hundred Thousand Kingdoms. The first book was a Hugo nominee this year. I had a really hard time choosing what to read next, as there are about seven books on my Kindle that I'm equally anxious to start.

Still working on paperwork for my mother's estate. There is an affidavit I have to get in before the end of the month to save about $1,000 on her property taxes. And the termination of the Trust seems to be going nowhere, which is really disturbing. The money from mom's life insurance is going to only last me so long, especially considering the expenditures I had to make to get the house ready to go on the market. And considering the current housing market, it may be months yet before it sells.

I was supposed to have a text conversation on Skype this morning with Elfie, but either she isn't there yet or I don't know how to work the stupid program. I can only do text conversations on Skype, not voice or video, but if anyone else would like to meet with me there, my contact name is QLBecky.

July 31st, 2011

Where I've been hanging out the past few days. @ 11:49 am

Current Mood: relaxed

People on LJ and IJ keep suggesting I get on DW (which will always mean Discworld to me, and not Doctor Who). People on Facebook are inviting me onto Google+ . I already miss loads and loads of stuff because I don't have time to read everything I have now. In the mornings I usually scan Facebook, looking for remarks from family and personal friends and ignoring most of the political opinions, which were the original reason I joined. I also skim Facebook, and Twitter as well, for breaking news. That's really the only input I have for what is happening in the world, at least for now.

After my mid-morning nap (yes, I'm still sleeping too much) I allow myself some time on LiveJournal and InsaneJournal. Actually, since I keep hearing about some serious problems on LJ, I've been primarily reading IJ. A lot of my friends cross post to both.

For years I've had Semagic working so that it will post simultaneously on LiveJournal and InsaneJournal, which I dearly love. Unfortunately, I cannot get this to work on my new netbook, no matter how carefully I try to follow how many sets of directions. That is a real bummer when I'm traveling; generally my posts only appear on LiveJournal when I'm on my netbook.

It's 12 days until we leave for the Reno Worldcon, and I'm filled with stress trying to get everything done. Yesterday was an especially busy day, with a 90 minute online meeting plus three phone calls. In the midst of this I am still trying to deal with the details that followed my mother's death. The big one right now is that the movers who are bringing the few pieces of furniture I decided to keep did their pick-up in Illinois on the 22nd but still haven't given us an estimated delivery date.

But I've decided that, in spite of everything, I'm going to take things real easy today. I'm going to straighten the house and make a very detailed list of things that need to be done, but the only one I'm going to do is vote for the Hugo Awards. I can't put that one off because midnight tonight is the deadline.

July 22nd, 2011

I think I've reached my breaking point. @ 06:51 pm

Current Mood: indescribable

When I left Illinois, there was a player piano to go to Elizabeth's house, a huge, messy pile of stuff to be packed and to come to my house, and a ceder chess filled with fragile china to go to Elizabeth niece, JoLee.

The movers showed up in Illinois today. My niece Melissa was there to meet them. Somehow the deadbolt had been locked, so Melissa had to get a locksmith out to make a key for it. The movers had the order for JoLee correct. But they had just the furniture (dining room table with chairs, chaste lounge, and hutch) coming to my house. According to their paperwork, everything else was to be already packed and going with the piano to Elizabeth's house.

So Mellisa went out and bought boxes from U-Haul and they packed all the loose stuff - an there was a lot of it - which was supposed to come to my house. They took the furniture that comes to me and the piano that goes to Elizabeth as well. AND they took the ceder chest, with all the fragiles packed.

I don't know what would have happened if my niece Melissa hadn't been there. I really don't. It would have been a disaster.

But now my mother's house in Illinois is totally empty. Which is wonderful. I just don't know when the stuff is going to arrive. Faeon isn't planning on moving the old furniture out of my house until Tuesday, so if it comes before then we will have a real problem.

I have two paintings I shipped to my cousin in Minnesota, but they were returned to me. I got a voice mail from her daughter that they just happened to arrive when Phyllis was out of town. So now I am trying to call the daughter, Juliette, to make sure Phyllis is home before I pay another $75 for shipping. But I just keep getting a recording that she is not available. I miss my mother. Somewhere she would have Juliette's home phone rather than her cell phone. But I can't find it. There are so many addresses and phone numbers I can't find, and I think it is because they are in the pile that is being shipped here by the movers.

I get to take Alex and Justice to see HP&DH2 on Tuesday. Except that I forgot that is the day that Faeon is planning to do most of the moving out. So now there is really nothing I can do until I get an approximate delivery date from the mover. But my contact only works Monday through Friday.

In the mean time I keep falling further and further behind on the work I'm supposed to do for the Worldcon in Reno in a month.

I started drinking about six hours ago and haven't stopped. I've never been so drunk when I was alone.

I think I've just about hit rock bottom.

June 4th, 2011

If it's really not possible, you shouldn't have promised in the first place. @ 04:56 pm

Current Mood: abandoned

People shouldn't promise to visit or help with something and then make last minute excuses. That's not okay. It's hurtful

When I'm alone I cry and say I hate them, but really I'm just disappointed and hurt.

April 17th, 2011

More trouble than it's worth? @ 11:21 am

Current Mood: grumpy

I knew Kathy was going to help clean out mom's house. I was moved when Elizabeth said she would keep her promise to help me like I helped her when her mother died, and overjoyed when she said the girls could come. Not real surprised that Memphis has to come. Was not expecting Mandalynn. Sean wants to see the house one last time, and he and Lee will be there to do heavy lifting (How much of that will there be to be done the first two days? That's as long as Sean can stay.) Now Elizabeth's niece and her two grown daughters are going to join us, driving in from Michigan, and also a dear friend of Kathy's just to babysit. Everyone thinks it's going to be a great party. We have nine days to get that house totally empty - totally - and cleaned. Almost 2,000 square feet plus a three car garage with workshop. This is no party, folks.

Cut for those who don't want to know the details. )

Good gods, why didn't I just rely on my own nieces and a good cleaning service? I mean, like I don't have enough on my mind without playing travel agent and hostess?!

April 3rd, 2011

Home @ 08:05 am

Current Mood: drained

I'm back home in Seattle after 9 days in Galesburg, Illinois. I made the arrangements for my mother's funeral, which went very well. I emptied and closed a useless safe deposit box, notified the bank there of my mother's death, and talked briefly to my lawyer (who said the estate doesn't have to go into probate and the only tricky thing will be getting my name on the house title).I got extra keys made for the back door (the front door needs to be re-keyed because no one can find a key to it) and got a locked briefcase open (which didn't have anything but outdated papers in it.) I donated the clothes mom had at the nursing home and signed all those papers. Based on a high recommendation from someone who should know, I now have a realator who has at least looked over the house and measured it.

But there's so much more to do. It's overwhelming even if I don't think about trying to empty the house where my mother, a woman who hated to throw away anything, lived for 60 years. And perhaps even more pressing is all the work that needs to be done because I suddenly left my home for 1½ weeks.

The nursing home has adopted mom's little Pomeranian Tiffy. That is a fabulous thing, but I cried so hard when I had to say goodbye to her the last time. Of course I cried at the funeral - I think that was required etiquette. But the only time I have actually broken down and let myself feel the pain was sitting alone in mom's house. My house now. I will never get used to that. I thought I was all prepared for mom's death, but I was wrong. Not sure you can really be prepared for a loss like that.

My weight is up almost 30 pounds from what it was while I was on Nutrisystem. I know that should be the least of my worries, but it bothers me tremendously. I feel like a blimp. I'm afraid someone will ask when the baby is due.

Okay, that is enough with the whining. Everybody has rough patches in their lives. I have to concentrate hard on putting one foot ahead of the other. One step at a time.

Thank you to all of you who have expressed sympathy. Please know that, even though I can't reply to each of you personally, your thoughts are deeply appreciated. You keep me from being alone.

March 18th, 2011

What ever happened to going out and partying on Friday nights? @ 07:42 am

Current Mood: nervous
Tags: , ,

I was allowed to have a peaceful sleep last night, although the nursing home called at 7:00 A.M. to tell me mom has an appointment with the doctor next week. The wound clinic prescribed a couple medications to treat the toxicity in her sores. Apparently the golf-ball-size lump above her tail bone is just a result of the infection and not a bone cyst.

Guess I won't really relax today, since I know that Steve and Elizabeth are going to be told about Justice's pregnancy scare tonight. I'd love to think they might react like good parents, but that's too much to ask.

Funny thing: Justice told me that she asked Elizabeth if she hates me and Elizabeth said she loves me and always will love me and that she is worried about mom and me. That sure came out of the blue. If she loves me, why would she allow me to be tortured by keeping the girls away from me almost all the time? Guess maybe she just does whatever Steve says.

Thinking of seeing "The Adjustment Bureau" this weekend. I've already seen "I Am Number Four" and "Rango," both of which I thought worth the price of admission but not particularly great.

March 16th, 2011

One foot ahead of another. @ 07:49 am

Current Mood: groggy
Tags: , ,

I lost 24 hours of my life during which we thought Justice was pregnant. So incredibly relieved that was a false alarm.

My mother is going to a wound clinic because the nursing home can't get the infections under control. While the wound on her arm is finally healing, the one on her tail bone gets worse every day. They have her on some pretty heavy pain killers, which of course means she is more zoned out and unaware than ever. This morning it has occurred to me that they won't have her Medicare cards and I will probably have to submit the claim to Medicare myself. Never done that before, nor do I have the slightest idea where to start.

"Rango" with my girls tonight. But first a major hair appointment in an effort to keep me from looking my age.

Busy day, but right now I need to take a nap before I fall over.

March 10th, 2011

My life as a procrastinator @ 07:20 am

Current Mood: stressed

Spent yesterday catching up on details of the Reno Worldcon committee, stuff I should have done long ago. Today I have to concentrate on getting ready for the actual trip - things like packing. But it's hard to stay focused with so many other things happening.

Yesterday I learned that Medicare has stopped paying for my mother's nursing home expenses because she is not filling their criteria for making progress. That means the Medicare supplement stops as well, and suddenly we are paying the full cost of the nursing home. That's $3,600 per month, plus medications, that I thought I wasn't going to have to worry about until June. I had planned not to sell mom's house for a year or two, but now I have to get it on the market as soon as possible. This is a nightmare.

But I MUST manage to stuff all that into an unused corner of my brain right now. I'm leaving tomorrow for four days of meetings in Reno, and I absolutely must concentrate today on getting ready for the trip. I don't have time to try to solve future problems or to zone out due to too much stress or to have a panic attack. Somehow I have got to stay on track. I can't get on that plane tomorrow if I'm not packed.

Thank heavens I feel petty good physically. The cold is down to occasionally blowing my nose and coughing up a bit of transparent mucus. My thumb is much better, although it still hurts like a SOB. I'm sleeping reasonably well, though I usually have to take a nap during the day to prevent falling asleep on my feet.

I so, so miss the days when I had time to read fanfic and collect everything I could find related to Snape or Slytherin.

Enough of this. More coffee. And some breakfast. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I don't have time for that.

February 22nd, 2011

I am home @ 08:02 am

Current Mood: sick
Tags: ,

My mother is physically almost helpless, and her mind is only partially there. She doesn't know she is in a nursing home or that she had a stroke, fortunately. I've spent part of every day for the past three weeks visiting her.

The best thing that happened was that the nursing home adopted mom's dog. I can't even say how terrific this is. The dog seems to be getting along fine there. The residents all like her and she is, amazingly, behaving fairly well. Although almost totally not housebroken at home, there she is doing what she needs to do during long walks three times a day.

I got stuck in the snow twice and in the mud once. Those are just the times I needed to be rescued.

It's hard for me to be in my mother's house. It seems like an impossible job to clean the place out, and I keep expecting to see mom and the dog there.

I have no clean clothes to wear and probably all sorts of mail that has to be taken care of, but today I can hardly sit up for exhaustion. It doesn't help that I came down with a nasty cold yesterday. I am so very, very exhausted, physically and mentally and emotionally. I think I'll go to bed and play dead.

But I am safely at home.

May 26th, 2010

rrfgh887ytghj @ 10:55 pm

Current Mood: cranky

I hurt.Mostly it feels like moderate monthly cramps, which would be fine except I HAVEN'T HAD THE EQUIPMENT FOR THAT SINCE 1987! I'll go to the Acute Care Clinic tomorrow if I don't feel better. I hope SO HARD this is nothing more complicated than a bladder infection.

Alex started dating a girl a couple weeks ago, and there was such a change in her. For the first time in months she looked happy. It made my whole world light up to see the way she was smiling. But tonight I see on MySpace that they have broken up, and Alex is wailing about wanting Shawn, the 17-year-old pot head that she was dating last fall.

My mother is giving up her LifeLine service. Yes, this is totally insane, but I have absolutely washed my hands of arguing with her about her health care. The only reason I got involved is because they called me when they couldn't make mom understand that she will have to return the equipment. So I called mom and told her that, and the last I heard she was going to call up LifeLine and tell them that since they delivered and hooked up the equipment they have to pick it up from her.

There is a check to me in the mail that should have arrived yesterday, and the guys next door haven't paid their rent for April or May. Ergo, my checking account is overdrawn.

I want to take Abilify instead of Risperdal because it's supposed to be at least as effective without causing the exponential weight gain. Except when I tried to fill the prescription, Medicare said the doctor needed to explain why she couldn't prescribe something cheaper, like Risperdal. She got that approved for me, but then when I tried to have the prescription filled for two 5 mg tablets daily, the co-pay was over $800. The pharmacist said they could fill it with 10 mg tablets I would have to break in half, and that would cut the cost by half. But they couldn't do that without the doctor's approval. When I finally picked up the prescription today - I've been out of Abilify since I ran out of doctor's samples last Friday - my credit card was refused (I have no idea at all why) and I had to use a different one which I very strongly do not want to carry a balance on.

I mentioned in my online NutriSystem group that I'm a smoker and that I'm not open to considering quitting. And all hell broke loose. The really wonderful post was from the woman who needed to tell me how selfish I am being and started crying while she posted about her father dying of lung cancer. This is a group in which we have always strictly avoided conflict. We even made it through the 2008 elections with no political discussions. I've been in the group for three years, and I just ignored what was said. But if this is going to turn into something ugly I'll have to leave the group, which is actually all about meeting personal exercise goals.

Note: I know every single one of the reasons I shouldn't smoke. I also know that I stopped cutting myself the day I started smoking ten years ago, and believe I will go back to that behavior if I give up cigarettes. I am currently not even considering quitting smoking. If I make that clear, people need to understand that their input on the subject will have no effect on me and is not appreciated.

Fuck. I should have been asleep 90 minutes ago, and I'm not even drowsy.

February 26th, 2010

And the flu marches on. @ 07:04 am

Current Mood: crappy
Tags: ,

Just got a call from my mom. She is going to call an ambulance to take her to the emergency room. She has been suffering from a 'cold' for about five days, and says now that it is in her chest. I'm really hoping that she hasn't got pneumonia. She says she knows she is dehydrated because her throat hurts too much to swallow even liquids, so just getting an IV started should improve her condition.

In my mind this is not a 'Dial 911' emergency, but Mom is a frequent visitor to the ER; either they don't have an urgent care facility in Galesburg or she doesn't want to go there, and her doctor refers all urgent calls to his nurse practitioner. Mom hates her, and isn't willing to change doctors. I guarantee that she will wail for weeks about how badly she was treated in the ER and how she isn't going back again no matter what. Nothing I can do about it. My gut feeling is that they won't admit her to the hospital, but they may, just because of her age.

I know it sounds selfish and cold, but it would nearly kill me if her condition is so bad that I have to fly back there.

I'm having sleeping issues. Started on my trip, but I thought that was just sleeping in a strange and uncomfortable bed, but it has actually been worse since I got back. Despite a 90 minute massage yesterday, the muscles in my shoulders and neck are still tight and painful. I'm also still having coughing fits. I think I'm over the virus but am still coughing due to lingering irritation in my throat and bronchial tubes. I have a medicine cabinet filled with cold remedies, but not one drop of cough syrup.

So still groggy from too little sleep, and coughing fits that are exhausting and make my muscles hurt worse. If I don't feel a lot better after my second cup of coffee I'm going back to bed.

February 25th, 2010

Flu Season @ 03:53 pm

Current Mood: guilty
Tags: ,

I started coughing the day before I drove from Chicago to Galesburg. Whenever I think I'm almost over whatever it was, I have another coughing fit. But all the other stuff - fatigue, muscle aches and fever - came and passed.

Unfortunately, my mom now has a really bad cold. Maybe it would have been better if I had visited her before I exposed myself to several hundred convention attendees. But I never had the really sore throat or any of that. The virus went whizzing by my throat and nasal passages and headed straight for my bronchial tubes and lungs. So I'm not positive I'm the one who infected her.

I can't remember when I last knew so many people who were all sick at the same time.

October 4th, 2009

I guess it's time to visit my family doctor. @ 10:42 am

Tags: , ,

Most of you know that I have a couple major issues in my life right now, one having to do with my goddaughters, and the other with my elderly mother. It seems like hardly a day goes by that something doesn't happen related to one of these two things. The following is an excerpt from an email I just wrote to a very, very dear friend. I'm putting it in here because re-writing it would just be too much effort.

Cut for length )

I don't mean to scare anyone, I'm not looking for pity, there's nothing anyone can do to help me, and I realize that most, if not all, of you just don't know what to say. But I thought I'd better get this stuff logged.

September 24th, 2009

I am NOT buying plane tickets to Illinois. @ 06:18 pm

Current Mood: infuriated

Apparently the doctor told mom today that she didn't have to have 24 hour care, so she fired Doris, the home worker who has been so good to her and such a help to me for so long. She has called me again and again the past few days with these paranoid delusions, such as having her house 'bugged,' and Doris charging her more for her prescription drugs than they cost, and even Doris watering down her soup! I've been putting up with these calls for about ten days and I'm so entirely done with being upset by them. My health can't take it.

Her neighbor's wife is a nurse, and mom thinks that she will help her find someone to take her to appointments and get her groceries. I don't know if she has considered who is going to change her clothes when she pees herself, or take care of the dog shit, or make sure she gets a bath now and then, or help her get out of bed - especially for $10/hour.. She's been asking me for the past two days to come home, but I'm sure as heck not going to do any of that stuff for her.

She still wants to pay her own bills - she asked Doris to make out the checks because she can't see or write well anymore, then complained that she had "taken it over" - so I'm going to back out of that. I found a list of everything in the safe deposit box, and I can phone the lawyer without meeting with him. I never wanted to be responsible for finding care for her or making her decisions, so I'm just going to put that burden down. She has talked about wanting her privacy and independence for so long, we'll let her have her way and see how she copes.

I just don't have what it takes emotionally to go down there and "talk about personal things, just between mother and daughter." She lost that opportunity about 45 years ago. Right now I'm so frustrated and fed up with her that visiting her wouldn't be good for either of us.

There aren't any laws that say I have to take care of my mother, are there? I don't want to face charges of parental neglect.

September 13th, 2009

What I need is more intestinal fortitude. @ 08:17 am

Current Mood: bitter

Every time I try to turn over a new leaf, someone spills ink all over the page.

I really had myself psyched up. Tomorrow I was going to shape up. Get back on NutriSystem and stick to it 100%. Exercise at least five days per week. Get a routine going so I can get things done.

Then yesterday happened.

Cut for excessive self-pity )

And therefore I drink. And eat snack food. And spend excessive time distracting myself with DVDs and Wii games. Anything to temporarily stop me from screaming.

Logically I know that taking care of my health should make me better able to deal with this garbage, as should being productive and getting stuff done instead of dwelling on what I can't change or obsessing on possible futures. ("Sufficient unto the day are the evils thereof.") I don't want to be the sort of person who spends all day on the couch, eating, drinking, and watching TV.

But I am way beyond being simply overwhelmed.

September 12th, 2009

Stop making this my problem! @ 11:00 pm

Current Mood: frustrated

My mom fell in the bathroom last night. I found out when the phone call from Lifeline woke me up this morning.

Five hours later, I talked to the E.R. doctor, who said:
  1. The X-rays, C-scan and blood tests all look fine, so he has no basis to admit her to the hospital.
  2. My mother is not mentally incompetent and has the legal right to make her own decisions.
  3. He refuses to release her without assurance that she will have 24/7 care.
But my mother refuses to move into a nursing home, even just for a couple weeks, and every time I arrange home care for her she ends up sending them away. So what is the doc going to do, keep her in the ER indefinitely? And why is everyone asking me what to do - I'm half a continent away and they just told me she is competent to make her own decisions.

The last I heard was that her regular home care lady is willing to spend 12 hours per day with her, and was going to try to get her to sign papers hiring a nurse to be with her the other 12. Actually, they wanted me to sign the papers, but why should I, if mom has the right to make her own decisions? Also, I don't have a fax machine.

If she does sign, this will cost $345 per day. I'll give it a week, then decide if I have to fly home to stay with her until I can hire someone less expensive than a nurse. She may have thrown them all out of her house by then.

Just now I found a voice mail on my cell phone from the company that provides nurses. They wanted to know if I wanted them to take one of mom's checks and buy her a commode to keep by the bed. IDK - Ask my mother. Leave me out of this.

I so do not want this responsibility.

And now we have discovered that my cat, Vimesie, has escaped the house and run away. She's done this three times before in her life and obviously always come home. But I'm sick with worry. I want my baby kitty back so bad...

March 16th, 2009

Out of Memory - System Overload - Reboot Required @ 08:43 am

Current Mood: stressed

It is so very hard to think straight this morning. Alex is probably at the hospital by now. Elizabeth called last night, so now I officially know about the surgery. At least I don't have the stress of keeping her from knowing I know now.

The bone is massively out of place - the one end is overlapping the ball of the shoulder joint. The doctor thought Alex must have fallen to have moved it so, but she doesn't know how it happened. The doctor won't know until he can see the bone whether he will be putting in pins or a plate. He also doesn't know if he will have to cut muscle to get to the bone - if he does, of course, her recovery will be much slower and more painful. He expects to put an external splint of some sort on her as well. Whether or not she will have to spend the night in the hospital depends on how well she does under anesthesia. The surgery will take 1 - 2 hours.

I talked to Alex for quite a while last night. She's scared, but her biggest complaint is that Kayce won't be able to be with her at the hospital.

Then there is all this other garbage to keep in my head. I need to be out of this hotel room in a couple hours. This afternoon mom wants to have some sort of big discussion with her Home Care Lady and me. I have to put gas in the rental car and return it by 5:30. I have to get packed. I haven't got enough food to pack for lunch. 

And while I'm packing I have to keep in mind that Wednesday morning I am going in for the stress test on my heart, which will take up to four hours. I am allowed no cigarettes and nothing by mouth except water after 6:30 A.M., and need to be at the hospital dressed for walking on the treadmill by 10:15. I don't get to SeaTac until something like 11:00 P.M. I've barely left myself time to sleep, much less think about getting prepared.

In the meantime I have to buoy mom's spirits. She is already pushing me to say I will come back to visit no later than this autumn. She is continually talking about me being the only blood relative she has left alive, and that no one else will cry when she dies. If I cry when she dies, it will be because I am absolutely and totally overwhelmed by what to do with the contents of her house, but of course I can't tell her that. She also wants to be reassured that she and dad were good parents, and it is difficult for me to pretend to be enthusiastic about that as well. She wants me to say I know that she and dad were not alcoholics, that dad was a saint, and that she is not a racist. I'm having trouble being sincere about all this lying.

I haven't made my flight reservations for the Quantum Leap convention or paid any bills. And after I leave this hotel I don't know when I am going to be able to get back on line.

At least I seem to be over the cold. If I weren't, I might just lie down and die.

February 17th, 2009

This Morning's State of Me Address @ 10:03 am

Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: Love Story - Taylor Swift
Tags: ,

My mom called yesterday, and out of the blue told me that she does not want the Home Care woman to come to her house every day. (When I left there last June, the arrangement was for her to be there for at least one hour twice a day.) I told her (as she already knew) that I was sick and preoccupied with Alex's injury and did not want to argue about this again right then. So then she got all weepy about not being able to please me. Gods, I do not know how I'm going to tolerate spending several days with that woman when I do visit. Right now that looks like early March, but a lot depends on what the pediatric orthopedist says about Alex's arm today.

Aside from mom's call, I spent most of yesterday trying to get well, which involved a lot of resting in bed and being lazy. But today I MUST do dishes and laundry, and go out to pick up a few groceries. Yeah, I'll definitely do that... later... right now I'm going back to bed.

Gods, I adore this song! How can that be classified as Country? I Do Not Like Country.

This is the Way I Live (on IJ)

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." - Dave Barry