This is the Way I Live (on IJ)

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." - Dave Barry

July 31st, 2011

Where I've been hanging out the past few days. @ 11:49 am

Current Mood: relaxed

People on LJ and IJ keep suggesting I get on DW (which will always mean Discworld to me, and not Doctor Who). People on Facebook are inviting me onto Google+ . I already miss loads and loads of stuff because I don't have time to read everything I have now. In the mornings I usually scan Facebook, looking for remarks from family and personal friends and ignoring most of the political opinions, which were the original reason I joined. I also skim Facebook, and Twitter as well, for breaking news. That's really the only input I have for what is happening in the world, at least for now.

After my mid-morning nap (yes, I'm still sleeping too much) I allow myself some time on LiveJournal and InsaneJournal. Actually, since I keep hearing about some serious problems on LJ, I've been primarily reading IJ. A lot of my friends cross post to both.

For years I've had Semagic working so that it will post simultaneously on LiveJournal and InsaneJournal, which I dearly love. Unfortunately, I cannot get this to work on my new netbook, no matter how carefully I try to follow how many sets of directions. That is a real bummer when I'm traveling; generally my posts only appear on LiveJournal when I'm on my netbook.

It's 12 days until we leave for the Reno Worldcon, and I'm filled with stress trying to get everything done. Yesterday was an especially busy day, with a 90 minute online meeting plus three phone calls. In the midst of this I am still trying to deal with the details that followed my mother's death. The big one right now is that the movers who are bringing the few pieces of furniture I decided to keep did their pick-up in Illinois on the 22nd but still haven't given us an estimated delivery date.

But I've decided that, in spite of everything, I'm going to take things real easy today. I'm going to straighten the house and make a very detailed list of things that need to be done, but the only one I'm going to do is vote for the Hugo Awards. I can't put that one off because midnight tonight is the deadline.

July 23rd, 2011

It will get better. Won't it? @ 07:22 am

Current Mood: crappy

I want so much to be productive, but I can't seem to recover from my mother's death or emptying my childhood home. I make myself To-Do Lists, but items get added faster than I can get them done. I spend hours watching re-runs on the Disney Channel in order to turn off my mind. I'm so stressed out and depressed, and I hate myself for not being the person I want to be.

Life will get better. I will get better. Someday mom's house will be sold. Some day, whether I do everything I've promised or not, the Reno Worldcon will be over.

My therapist says that I have to give myself time to grieve and to recover. She also says I have to ask for help from anyone who can provide it. I'm trying, but it just doesn't seem to be enough.

I want to be squeeing with my friends over the Harry Potter movie. I want to be reading Snupin and Snarry. I need my life back.

July 22nd, 2011

I think I've reached my breaking point. @ 06:51 pm

Current Mood: indescribable

When I left Illinois, there was a player piano to go to Elizabeth's house, a huge, messy pile of stuff to be packed and to come to my house, and a ceder chess filled with fragile china to go to Elizabeth niece, JoLee.

The movers showed up in Illinois today. My niece Melissa was there to meet them. Somehow the deadbolt had been locked, so Melissa had to get a locksmith out to make a key for it. The movers had the order for JoLee correct. But they had just the furniture (dining room table with chairs, chaste lounge, and hutch) coming to my house. According to their paperwork, everything else was to be already packed and going with the piano to Elizabeth's house.

So Mellisa went out and bought boxes from U-Haul and they packed all the loose stuff - an there was a lot of it - which was supposed to come to my house. They took the furniture that comes to me and the piano that goes to Elizabeth as well. AND they took the ceder chest, with all the fragiles packed.

I don't know what would have happened if my niece Melissa hadn't been there. I really don't. It would have been a disaster.

But now my mother's house in Illinois is totally empty. Which is wonderful. I just don't know when the stuff is going to arrive. Faeon isn't planning on moving the old furniture out of my house until Tuesday, so if it comes before then we will have a real problem.

I have two paintings I shipped to my cousin in Minnesota, but they were returned to me. I got a voice mail from her daughter that they just happened to arrive when Phyllis was out of town. So now I am trying to call the daughter, Juliette, to make sure Phyllis is home before I pay another $75 for shipping. But I just keep getting a recording that she is not available. I miss my mother. Somewhere she would have Juliette's home phone rather than her cell phone. But I can't find it. There are so many addresses and phone numbers I can't find, and I think it is because they are in the pile that is being shipped here by the movers.

I get to take Alex and Justice to see HP&DH2 on Tuesday. Except that I forgot that is the day that Faeon is planning to do most of the moving out. So now there is really nothing I can do until I get an approximate delivery date from the mover. But my contact only works Monday through Friday.

In the mean time I keep falling further and further behind on the work I'm supposed to do for the Worldcon in Reno in a month.

I started drinking about six hours ago and haven't stopped. I've never been so drunk when I was alone.

I think I've just about hit rock bottom.

May 10th, 2011

Why I had nightmares about people telling me I'm not myself anymore. @ 12:52 pm

Current Mood: crappy
Tags: ,

I'm really not "myself" right now. I'm sick with stress and grief. But I keep trying to act like everything is fine around other people, and that in itself is an additional stress.

Tonight I get to see the girls. I only get to see them for 3½ hours twice a month, which puts a lot of pressure on me to make it into something special. I spend days worrying about what I'm going to wear. I want them to think I look "cute," and it's especially hard since I've gained 30 pounds in the past three years and none of my clothes fit any more. And I don't know exactly what we're going to do - we have to go do something, we're not allowed to come over to my house and hang out. Also we have to call Elizabeth whenever we leave for each destination and again when we arrive. I've lost all the joy of these visits; I actually almost dread them.

Justice wants to go to Jame's house to pick up all the stuff that she left there. I think that's perfectly reasonable, but it's scary because we are breaking rules and we will have to make up some story to account for that time. Alex and I just decided this morning that we are going to the Iron Chef restaurant. I think they'd enjoy it more if Faeon and the guys joined us, but it's a little late to ask. I can text everybody and try to get a reservation, but by the time everybody is up I will be having my hair done.

See what I mean? Silly little details, wanting to plan everything down to the minute, wanting everything to be perfect... I felt like that even before mom had her stroke, but I could handle it. Now I just can't. I was going to have my nails done this morning, but I ended up taking a nap instead when I decided they really don't look bad. Went and bought Gigantic Size pantihose because the last time I tried Queen size I had a lot of trouble getting them on. At 5'6" and 174 pounds I am not obese. Am I going to have to start shopping at Lane Bryant and Torrid again to find clothes that fit?!

I just finished a Kahlua and Baileys in the hope that it will take some of the sharp corners off my worrying.

If I let my mind go further than tonight, I worry about the work for the Worldcon that I should have done by now. And I have to start preparing for a five day trip to Mt. Rainier with Tom. After that comes the June Circus to try to get my mom's house ready to put on the market, and that is the biggest stress of all.

I feel utterly pathetic.

This is the Way I Live (on IJ)

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." - Dave Barry